AFPanto 2001 – Part Three – The Used Cow Lot
[When we last saw Jack, he was taking Hilda to the Used Cow Lot] “Good morning Mr Geekay sir, and how can I help you?” Pettitt’s Used Cow Lot was a masterpiece of salesmanship, and a homage to dodgy cow dealers everywhere. From the huge forecourt packed so full of cows that you couldn’t belive you could get one out without radical surgery, to the absolutely pathetic bunting flying from the poles high above Jack’s head. Across the building in the centre of the lot is a gigantic flashing sign reading “MP’S PREOWNED COWS! SATISFACTION GUARANTEED OR YOU WON’T COME BACK!!” MP himself was standing outside the building, with a large cigar in his mouth but, with a concession to the modern world, it Wasn’t lit. He was wearing a bright purple checked jacket, and Jack was so blinded he nearly missed the fact that when MP moves his arms – which he does lots – the checks stay precisely square… “You buying? I’ve got this new supersleek Bovine2000 here, faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, just keep it out of phone booths. Or maybe you are looking for more of a family cow, Jack my son, The Shallow-Bit-Of-River Kough? Small, yet yields more than 30 gallons per square mile.” Jack knew better than to let MP launch into his full monologue: “I’m selling, MP” “You can’t be selling MP. I‘m MP!” “No, I’m selling Hilda, Our cow” “Aha! A salesman, well, if you’re selling, I’m buying. Lets have a look at her… By The Lady, Jack? You really expect me to buy this thing… Look at the teeth!” “I can’t, the mouth doesn’t open” “Exactly, and look at the size of the thing! It’s bloated with hunger. You could fit two humans in that!” “Odd that.” There was a long pause. Finally, MP broke the silence: “Look Jack, I know your family, so I’ll be honest. There is no way I could ever sell that mangy rug for any money at all. I couldn’t give it away” “But Hilda does tricks!” “What?” “Watch” said Jack, and walked over to Hilda. Jack lifted up Hilda’s tail, and dropped it. Hilda said “Moo” and a hand extended from below her stomach, and placed a full bottle of milk on the ground. “Wow” said MP. “Can I give it a go?” “Sure” said Jack. MP lifted up Hilda’s tail, and dropped it. Hilda said “Moo” and a hand extended from below her stomach, and placed a second bottle of milk on the ground. “Watch this” said Jack, and lifted up the tail half way. Again, he dropped it. Hilda’s hand emerged again, and placed another bottle beside the first two, This one had a red top instead of the other two’s silver. “What?” said MP “Semi-skimmed” replied Jack. “Okay Jack, that’s real neat.” said MP, “But I still can’t sell the beast. I tell you what I’ll do though, I just got hold of these Bean things, and I don’t have anywhere to plant them. I’ll swap you them for the Cow. Deal?” Jack didn’t see much choice, and did the deal. It was a long walk home, and his mum was not desperately pleased to see him home with Beans… [Wow! Jack has beans! Will Aquarion make it the whole way though the story without a single fart joke? Will Aquarion make it all the way though the story? Does it matter? And even if it matters, does it matter that it matters? Maybe I should just stay here and go Zootle-Wordle. Zootle-Wordle, Zootle Wordle. Will Aquarion stop going Zootle Wordle before tomorrow? Find out, in the next exciting episode of, AFP! The Panto!]Yours in total sincerity
Aquarion
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